Trying to Understand

1 year ago today I lost my Grama, she meant everything to me. I'm not sure why now seems like a better time to share this, but the following words were written back then, almost 1 year ago and the feelings are all still the same. Here it is. 

I'm not sure how to express the feelings I've been having lately. I feel like a child, so helpless and unable to understand. Where are you now? Just gone? How is it possible that I'll never see you again, never talk on the phone, never hear your stories or laughter? 

I'm trying to be okay. Trying to find a way to understand what's happening around me, but it's so hard. I don't have a clear idea in my head about what happens after death and that makes everything so much more difficult for me. 

Even though I know you are gone, I don't think I've really grasped it. I've held your urn, read the obituary many times and been to the memorial, but even so, nothing feels real. 

Where are you now?

You were the greatest friend, the best influence and the person I wanted in every situation. You supported me, taught me, spoiled me, encouraged and loved me. I don't think I could have thanked you enough for what you did for me, but I tried.  

I hope I made you proud and that wherever you are I still do. 

Wherever that place is, if that's how the universe works, I hope you are with your family now. I want to know that your parents welcomed there little girl and your siblings couldn't wait to get to you. 

If that's not how it works, are you a bird? Or a warm breeze? Maybe a seed taking root or a wave in the ocean? Perhaps you are waiting to be reborn, to start a new life where you can bring joy to another family. I'm not sure. I can't make myself understand this. 

I just need to know that you are around and that somehow I will see you again one day. 

Wherever you are. 

I miss you. 

I love you. 

"How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard?"

-Winnie the Pooh